Thursday, August 2, 2012

Wanting What I'm Not: Balance

I truly don't like this but when this train of thought gets a rolling it seems there isn't all much I can do.

Right now I am in full awe of how others make life look so easy. What I mean by that is how others makes the simple art of conversation easy. How do they simply go up and talk to another? When I have to do this the surge of fear is off the scale. And yet others can go up and speak as if it's nothing because, well, chances are it is to them.

I'm in that pit right now of just seeing what I am not. This is the trickiest and worst pit to be in because when one sees what they aren't they will forget who they are. This is where I am at and when in a pit like this everything, and I mean everything, becomes worse than it is.

This isn't the first time I have written about this over the course of my blog and maybe this is a one every three month experience but right now it seems worse and I'm not sure why. The only moments of respite have been the moments I've had a flag in hand or have been giving a presentation. I am in the midst of showing how Asperger Syndrome can pop up in everyday life and this is where; balance is a hard thing to find. I live in an all or nothing system and in those moments of presenting and flagging I am putting everything I am into it. As soon as it is over though it is like I never did it. Whatever is now is the only thing that matters and if I'm not doing it now it means it was like it never was.

Okay, read that last sentence above one more time. Have you read it again? I've talked to several other people on the spectrum that share this and this is one of the big hurdles to finding that balance. What's balance? Right now I'm seeing what I am not and I yearn for the ability to simply converse with ease and maybe even have a social life. Since this is the now this means everything else is irrelevant as it doesn't exist. What this means is that there is no balance; everything is to the extreme end of the scale. I'm either fully engrossed in the activity I am in and perhaps even hyper-focusing to the point that I don't realize I'm actually enjoying myself or I am fully down on myself and the inabilities I have.

The lack of balance is frustrating to say the least and as I write this I'd give almost anything to experience the normality that I witness. Those around me might say that I do a fine enough job as is but trust me when I say everything I do is thought out a dozen times and it is forced with a high level of anxiety. This alone causes so much exhaustion as I simply can't "be" in a social setting.

The final event on this three week string of racing events begins today in North Carolina and later this afternoon I will once again have flags in hand and all this worry and self-loathing will be gone. Will these thoughts continue after? Maybe they will and maybe they won't. I certainly hope it does because I want to remember who I am. I want to see me for who I am and not for who I am not. If anyone looked at life from a standpoint of what they aren't I believe no one would be happy. Hopefully I get out of this trap today because being in it makes life way too bleak.


  1. My latest blogpost that I wrote yesterday... I'll admit that you're one of the people I think highly of that I wrote about in that blogpost.

    Aaron, every compliment I gave you in our chats was honest. I don't have the illusion that you're perfect, but to me you're amazing with both your bad and your good sides. They both make you who you are, which is a wonderful person.

  2. good luck today

  3. As a mother of an aspergers teen my heart goes out to you!! Even though we dont know you I am sure you are a wonderful individual. My son Kyle is doing alright at the moment, but it has been hard for all the family, as we have all worked hard to help him acquire the social skills he needs for the society we live in. We set challanges each year, working out what he is comfortable with and pushing the boundries so he can evolve. He recently wanted an 18th party, we were shocked as he doesnt like parties, but he wanted to try one. Afterwards he said it was fine but would not want to do it again. So no large parties in the future, no problem. He was working out what he wanted to do as a job, and to begin with a just said he didnt want to work with the public. He has now decided he wants to be an accountant, with the government as he like politics and believe he could not be a polititian..........So he is doing great. But even if hes not I love him to bits, as I do with my other two boys, they are all individuals, all with different talents, and I am sure you are the same. Good luck for the future and I hope you can dwell on the positives not the negatives.

  4. Hi,
    I think you are right that some people naturally have the "gift of gab". Sometimes in my mind..too much..if you know what I mean..Sometimes where i am introverted too much talk takes away my energy. Solitude gives me back my energy. Although i want people around me I prefer small crowds, I don't understand the idea of wanting to schmooze in big me it's too can't hear what any one else is saying..everyone is's not intimate..I am not a natural with talking either. It's something I push myself to do. However i notice there are a lot of people like that too. There are some good things about being introverted ( and I am by no means comparing my problems with yours). Introverts tend to really think about what they say before blurting it out and possibly hurting someone's feelings. Extroverts don't really think that way, which they may not mean to hurt someone's feelings but the way it comes out has that effect. From what I hear you say you have trouble initiating and carrying on a conversation. I am by no means a professional but I have taught myself to just seem interested in the person I am talking to and even if it's a little boring at first if I keep asking questions the conversation will get a little more reciprocal where we find some things in common. It's okay to have quiet moments. Maybe have a few questions wrote down somewhere to ask that are right now the Olympic's is a big thing( ask them what do they think of some part of the Olympics). I haven't personally watched it so I can't really think of anything to comment on. But it doesn't have to be anything spectacular. Just start small and try to find out a little about the person you are talking to, nothing to personal just where they work, if they have kids, what do they do as a hobby, if they volunteer. That kind of thing. You'll find out some people are really shy too, like introverts like me and you may not get as much out of an introvert. I think introverts like to build relationships slowly, but when they build friendships they are forever and it means a lot. If you can find an extroverted person you don't have to talk much, lol. I do learn a lot by watching extroverted people. Good luck, I hope this helps, I may be way off base. I feel like yourself at times to scared to say something that I feel may sound stupid but i do it anyway. I think most people want to connect with each other and would be glad to talk to you.

  5. Right now, I am not good at this because of my studies and the stuff I have signed up to do. But normally, I am really good at "balance". Sure, part of it is my job... as I got to do what I preach. But part of it is because I have a rather laid back personality (though I can switch to a go-go-go personality really quickly).

    As I have seen in your entries, you work a lot. So the balance is not there most of the time.

    Autism advocacy and awareness are important. BUT, taking care of yourself is also important... so that you can reach more people with your message in the long run.