Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Countdown to 30

Change happens daily. Some days have more changes than other. Then there are days that we know without a doubt a major change will occur. I'm already fretting about one of those days.

History repeats itself. 10 years ago this very month I was worrying about the same thing, in a way. With time comes change and there is no greater reminder of this than one's age. To those that are older than me I apologize and to those younger than me you may someday experience this, but I'm already worried about February 4, 2013 which will be the day I turn 30.

Yes, I said that that 10 years ago I was experiencing the same thing as I awaited the coming of my 20th birthday. Birthdays have always been a day I've loathed to my core and what spawned it a decade ago was sitting in the music course I was taking at a community college and the playing of "Happy Birthday to You" in a fancy manner. From that moment I treated each day as if it were my last as I feared... feared... I don't know what I was fearing but it was greater than anything I could comprehend at that point in time. Perhaps it was because, despite the fact that I thought I was happy, perhaps I wasn't. Truly though I thought I was.

My countdown to 20 started this month 10 years ago as I spent my days either at school or working as a teller at a bank. My life was structured yet I was aimless. My goal was to race and that was all I knew. Emily and I had our routines and everything in my life was nothing but routine. I crave routine and yet I'm looking back and wondering just how I felt. If there's one thing I've learned in life it's that memories are always slanted and for me I always think that the past was better than what it was and as I am fearing my 30th birthday I wondered if I was better back then than I am now.

As a major case of nostalgia hit me yesterday I spent the late evening looking at Google Earth and using the feature that allows you to go back in time. I touched on this last year, in September of all months (maybe the changing seasons creates this feeling in me?) when I talked about the kart track I used to race at. I kept looking at the places I either worked at, or visited, and after that I turned to Facebook to see if I could find the people I used to know. It's amazing how easy it is now to friend someone and then, essentially, never having to worry about forgetting a person but just 10 years ago that wasn't possible.

I tried finding people I bowled with and was amazed at how hard it was to remember some of the people. I can remember of them but other than that they are a ghost and through that I became sadder and tried even harder. Certainly I was searching for something and I don't think it was any person in general but rather I think I was looking for some sort of connection to the world that was.

10 years ago I could never imagine that I would be at where I am at today. I wonder where the next ten will take me but before that can happen I have to endure the five months and the gauntlet that will be waiting for that 30th birthday. If history repeats itself, and it does so on an alarming scale, the next five months will be filled with pondering such questions as, "Am I doing enough in life?" and, "Will everything be okay?"

The way I describe the passage of time is as if I were being dragged along whilst my fingernails are leaving streaks in the ground because I am resisting so much. And that's where I am right now. My dad always said that I, "pay interests on loans that I haven't taken out yet" and this is a great example as I'm five months out and this worrying about this singular date of February 4, 2013 is already in the forefront of my mind. I have tried to convince myself that this isn't worth it until January, but my brain can't see that. I see decades and anything divisible by 10 becomes a milestone and it only happens once a decade but that date is getting closer and closer day after day because, after all, changes happens daily.

1 comment:

  1. It's funny how you see this as a scary change and I see it as the most wonderful routine there is!
    I see it this way: There isn't a bigger routine than a yearly tradition and my birthday is one routine/tradition that I have celebrated since birth.
    I love the reassuring thought of knowing that no matter what happens, I'll celebrate my birthday each year. Nobody can take that away from me. Everyone agrees on that your birthday should be celebrated, so nobody will get in the way of that routine.
    I love my birthday!