Monday, October 1, 2012

Coping With October

Today is the start of October and it has brought, for me, an avalanche of memories. It's times like this that I wish I wasn't given such a great memory. Last October was one of the biggest roller coasters of my life with stunning highs and the deepest of lows and right now I am experiencing each emotion all over again.

The start of the month last year was great with a visit to New York City to meet my publisher and what a moment that was. I don't know if any of my other books will be published, but that moment landing in New York City knowing that I was visiting a publisher as an author, well, it's a feeling that maybe can only be felt once in a lifetime.

After New York I moved into my own place then Rob from Vancouver came down and I could give you the play-by-play of the month and I sort of want to because right now 2011 is now. All the emotions from doing my first school presentation to 5th graders to the tragedy in Las Vegas is right now.

There's no other way I can describe it other than that the then is now. On my cross-country tour I heard that question a lot, the question of, "Why do things in the past bother my son now?" Hearing this so often made me realize that I'm not alone in experiencing this. It seems people with Asperger Syndrome are more haunted by the past than others.

So, since it seems we are bothered by the past, is it caused by a better memory? Maybe so, but also I'm sure that the "associative memory system" comes into play. What that is, if you don't know, is that everything sort of becomes connected. This helps with recall and events may be associated with a number, a physical item, a word, and anything really. Over time though, eventually, everything sort of becomes intertwined with everything else where anything will create a memory which creates another and then, as I started this post with, an avalanche of memories ensues.

Before I had the means to explain this I think those around me became frustrated with the sameness of what was bothering me. I heard, "don't worry, time heals all" and to that I just wanted to scream; in fact I think I did once (sorry mom!) I sort of gathered that too on my tour hearing parents describe this, and I don't think I can blame them because, unless you can feel what it is like to have everything going right and then experience this avalanche of memories which makes the past the presence how can there be any understanding? It took me over five years of experiencing this before I could explain in a way that was understandable, but once I was able to write it those around me understood and I was very thankful I could explain to those parents the whats and whys of this.

It might be a long month for me as this is the first trip through October since the last one. I am very anniversary oriented and there's going to be many this month. Thankfully I have many presentations this month and hopefully that keeps me occupied to the point that I wake up one morning and say, "Today is the start of November..."


  1. I know the feeling. I feel like all events in my life are happening simultaneously at any given moment. The past and the present all in a mish mash together. I can be transported to the past instantaneously and the feelings of the time are raw and real. That makes it hard to move on! The other thing I relate to is anniversaries. Even if I of not remember something consciously I will dream about it and the when I look at the calendar in the morning and see the date, I think, oh that makes sense.

    It is nice to read about your experiences as it makes me feel less alone !

  2. I know people vary and such being we're on a spectrum of all kinds, but I'm more embarrassed than traumatized as I haven't been in traumatic situation. What I'm saying is I and almost everyone else can be granted an innocence , but people like you remember it like a nightmare... So keep on your path, it doesn't matter to you or anyone else is what I tell myself. We just need to FORGET the past...