Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Running the Tank Dry

In response to how I was feeling yesterday my body has gone into a mode I know all too well. It wasn't until yesterday when responding to a question on Facebook that I finally realized why my body does what it does.

I did say I know this all too well and what I know all too well is sleeplessness. If you've followed my blog for a long time you know that this happens. This doesn't happen frequently and is maybe once a quarter and for that I am thankful because prior to 2010 it was an almost daily occurrence.

So I did say sleeplessness and I did say I figured out why my body does this. Now when I say sleeplessness I don't mean that I roll around all night trying to go to sleep; in fact I avoid going to bed because I know that will be the result. Instead, I run myself into the ground, or a better way of stating it is that I run the metaphorical gas tank dry.

During times of increased sadness, specifically due to memories, I do everything I can to avoid thought. That is hard because I am always in thought but if I allow myself to focus and then hyper-focus on a memory the crushing sensation of defeat, hopelessness, and all around sadness is crushing. So, to combat that, I do everything I can to avoid hyper-focusing on it. This is done by reading a book, learning new fact about irrelevant topics, or maybe engrossing myself in trying to pick up a tenth of a second on iRacing. Whatever it may be that I am doing I will hyper-focus on that to keep my body going.

Now I must ask, is this avoidance of an issue? On the outside it may appear as so but I have to have other activities going on so I can process whatever it is that is troubling me. Think of it this way; let's say I have one of Mozart's classics ready to be played and I hand you a set of headphones. I then count you down really slowly, "3... 2..." now before I get to one you are already trying to figure out which song will be played, "1..." and then, after I say one, I hit the play button and you are subjected to the loudest noise you've ever heard. It's so loud you rip the headphones off your head and look at me in disgust as I surely have taken a decade off your hearing. Now I must ask, was that avoidance?

Later, I hand you the headphones again and while you are already fearing another blast of sound this time I countdown once again but after I get to "1" the music that is heard is able to be processed and can be heard without inducing a headache. Sometimes a reduction of volume is needed and for me, when I'm having something that is causing a major issue within me, I need to lower the volume. This is done one of two ways but the two ways do go hand-in-hand. The first, as mentioned, is to do everything I can to stay busy and the second is to do it all until I get so tried my body does not resist going to sleep. I have issues going to sleep as is but if something is on my mind or is troubling me then sleep becomes all the more elusive.

So that's where I am right now. I didn't know what type of response yesterday's blog would get but I know now more than ever that there is serious weight regarding these issues with having troubles with memories. It's something that I think doesn't have all that much info out there about so hopefully if this persists I can make the most out of it and explain more of it.


  1. A feeling of annoyance, natural really..... You can't say it doesn't happen to all of us. It just happens more with us...

  2. Seems like forever since we've talked and been in contact, but for the past few months (I think... terrible with keeping track of time) I've been following your blog. I can't count the number of times I'm reading your blog and thinking, wow I've felt the exact same way, or how I do that too. It keeps me thinking, is it possible I have some degree of Asperger's Syndrome too? I'm not even sure how one determines if they do or do not have it, perhaps I should do a google search session on that. Anywho, moving on, the other thought that runs through my head in contrast to me possibly having some form of Asperger's is that maybe those with Asperger's really aren't all that different than "normal" people and the way "normal" people think and respond to everyday situations. Sometimes maybe it's just the degree to which those situations and the reflective thoughts on those situations linger in mind? I'm not sure really, and I hope I'm not being ignorant in all these thoughts, just figured I'd share and see what you thought in regards to these thoughts of mine.

  3. Hello! I find that listening to upbeat podcasts helps. Or any podcast that is interesting. I like to have something to distract be from my negative thoughts. Me. iPads are annoying. Anyway, I am also very careful what I read watch and listen to. I have learned that aspies are more sensitive although we don't seem it to others. I can only listen to music in a major chord or I get depressed. I try not to let the depression have a voice or a foothold. The depression is not me. It is an illness and an invader. Fight it!