Wednesday, January 30, 2013

A Looming Change

If you ever get me to talk about change I will almost always, at some point in time, say, "Change is bad." Right now in my life there is a massive change looming. For most people the change that is about to happen would be a time filled with excitement and a sense of accomplishment. For myself there is none of that.

What is this change? The answer to this I'm going to leave open as I just don't want to have it fall through. I will say it has nothing to do with my job or my blog or anything I do professionally.

Now, the purpose of this blog post isn't just to state that I have a major change upcoming. As 'exciting' as that may sound as a blog post it is not the purpose. In my life, anytime there is a major change looming, all aspects of my life become a bit more difficult. Sleeping, waking up, eating, thinking, keeping concentration, and just about everything else becomes a bit more sluggish. I can deal with small changes, but a big change affects on a system-wide scale.

The #1 thing that comes into play is worry. With change all that is known becomes different. Reread that line... with change all that is known becomes different. For myself I live on knowing what is going to happen next, and will will follow that. This is done my knowing one's environment and when there is a change to it everything that was known and has become safe is altered.

"Can't you just, you know, get over it?" would be a question I'd expect someone to ask and I wish that were the case. I wish I could just quit the worry and quit the way my brain thinks, rethinks, and thinks about rethinking things, but I can't. The sense of safety that comes from consistency and sameness is so needed that when things are about to change the only thing that can be thought of is the change itself even if the change is for the better.

The next 1-2 weeks could prove to be difficult for me even though this should be considered a wonderful change. Right now though I feel tired, worn out, and just overall I feel small and afraid. I think back to a post from 2010 in that I said something along the lines of, "the anticipation of the storm often is greater than when the storm is actually here." I was talking about a literal thunderstorm then, but it is the same way with this change. When this change comes I'm hoping it is a seamless change and life will go on as if nothing changed. However, the anticipation of the change is where I struggle and that's where I am at right now. My goal now is to distract myself the best I can; I'm not sure if that's the best tactic but so long as I'm focused on something my brain can't use 120% of my processing power to worry about. Thankfully I have a presentation this evening and as this change hopefully occurs I will fill you in on more.

1 comment:

  1. Annie-Mollie DeLayFebruary 1, 2013 at 9:15 PM

    Good luck! I will be praying that God will grant you with some peace of mind.