Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Words From the Past

It's been a long time since I had a case of insomnia but here I am. This may not be the best of things for myself, but for you, the reader, it usually means a highly insightful blog post. First though, why do I have this insomnia? I'm not fully sure but this is the first time in a long time I haven't had anything scheduled and on top of that I've been in the midst of a writing explosion (I think this may have been the best two week stretch of my blog to date.)

There is another thing I have been thinking about and that is words I've read from my past. Over the weekend my girlfriend and I went through my calendar journals from 2004 and 2005. While 2005 was the year I started to write both years were the darkest years of my life as I just had been diagnosed and felt there was no hope. It's easy for me to recall those days with my memory but instead of trying to describe how I felt I thought it right, because I've mentioned those days numerous amounts of time, to let my words from back then be heard today:

Ate alone, am alone, will always be alone

I'm unlikeable and will always be unaccepted

Sad sad lonely sad, but can I ever be not sad?

People are mean, they don't understand, is it even worth talking to people then?

Let's just forget these days

Did nothing, am nothing

All I want is for someone, anyone, to understand who I am

All I do is watch the days go by, why am I even alive? What's the point? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Those are just some of the ways I described my days back then. Now the question probably is, "Why are you sharing such depressing states of beings?" I think, to put simply, to show the fact that there is hope. Granted, back then, there was no convincing me of that. I don't know if I've ever written words that have such a direness to them, but that's where I was.

For those that may stumble upon my blog now, or may see me in a presentation, it may be hard to fathom that this was where I came from. Even after I started to write in 2005 I still had some pretty bleak entries. I didn't just pop up as an author and speaker as happy as can be as one might think if they were to just one blog entry or get a glimpse of my presentation.

There was a resounding theme throughout my entries and that was one of understanding. I don't think I even knew who I wanted to understand me because I wasn't making an attempt to socialize, but at the same time I knew no one would accept me so why even try in the first place? That was my logic and I know, right now, there are others with Asperger's that are exactly where I was. To those I wish I had words that would say, "it gets better" but I know, because I lived it, that when one is where I was words like that will never be heard.

As my girlfriend and I went through these she stated that she felt sad for me and I responded by saying that everything was okay. I told her that what she was reading, in all of its doom and gloom, is what inspires me to keep going. I started out writing, not knowing that what I was doing had any value or worth (I still struggle with that to this day) because I just wanted to describe to my dad why I am who I am and why I am. Little by little I wondered if others felt like myself, and if so, what would the value of just a little understanding be?

I came from a world where there seemed to be no hope. I came from a world where I thought, because I had read it on the Internet about Asperger's that, "A person with Asperger's will never have a job, never have friends, and will never be happy." I came from a world where I had given up as all signs pointed to that. And yet, despite that world, I'm here now proclaiming that there is always hope. Sometime last year a person at a presentation called me a, "liar" in that he didn't believe that I came from such a dark place but after talking I stated just how long I spent in that world and the sleepless nights where I wondered if I'd ever get a chance, or even live in a world where there would be just a hint of understanding. I eventually convinced him and he said, "thank you" but I wish I would have had those words to tell him. While I may not have had those quotes it is the ideas behind them that is behind who I have become. I've pushed myself these past three years presenting and I will continue to push myself in an effort to better society's understanding of the autism spectrum. While my depressing words from the past may just be words on a screen to you they are the burning fuel which drives me and are the essential essence of the life I used to live. I was there, I can still feel the confusion, anger, and sheer hopelessness, but here I am. While often times my blogs mention what I am doing, and my presentations have a lot of time talking about myself, this whole passion of mine isn't about me, it's about those that are where I was. That's all there is to it and it's bizarre reading my words from the past knowing that, somehow, that was me, but despite my belief that all was hopeless I now know that there is always hope.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, how our thoughts do drift to the darkest recesses of our minds at night. But I'll bet some of the greatest discoveries and inventions happened during the long hours of a sleepless night. Something funny I see in this post though Aaron. You say a couple of times that after your diagnosis you were just looking for someone to understand you and what you were going through. I wonder though, at that time, did you even know yourself what it was that was happening to you and what would happen in your future? Sometimes, we want others to understand our situation when we ourselves don't even fully comprehend it.

    Also, I hope that your own experience has taught you that you can't believe everything you read on the internet. There is a veritable maze of information and misinformation that can bog you down in a mire of what's right and what's wrong. Especially when it comes to medical information. That's why a blog like yours is so important. You're not telling anyone "you're going to be like me." You're telling people your own story and maybe they might see something in there that can help them and maybe they just finally find that someone who simply "gets" them. And it sounds like, for you, that's hugely important. Thanks again for some deep, nocturnal thoughts.