Tuesday, January 28, 2014

1 Week of 30 Left

It's that time of year again, the roughest week of the year it seems for me. For those of you that enjoy that time before a birthday, and for that matter the birthday itself, I must say that I don't get it. Yup, I have no idea how one enjoys a birthday.

If you were to go back on my blog I'm sure I've had a post like this in 2011, 2012, and 2013. To some, a birthday is just another day, to others it's an excuse to live it up to the extreme, and to me it's a day to fret, worry, and see just how much change there is.

One might assume that I should have many reasons to celebrate this year because I had a career year, I'm being recognized by the state of Missouri again for what I am doing, I bought a home, I found the most wonderful girlfriend in the world and yet there is no change as to my feelings towards my birthday.

So why is it then that my birthday is so awful? When I was little I loved my birthday, and who doesn't, right? Cake, presents, and a party were the norm but when I turned ten I realized something; my age was never going to be single digits again. Just this little iota of an inkling made me cry for hours on the eve of my 10th birthday and ever since then each year has gotten harder and harder.

The depth of my understanding of time and change has grown since Feb. 3, 1993 when I was about to turn ten but I see birthdays sort of as a mile marker if one were driving down the highway of life. Here's the thing though, and it's a major thing, I don't like change and there is no greater reminder of change than one's birthday. Someday I'll find the perfect way to describe this, but for myself and some others on the autism spectrum our concept of time, or rather the way our brains understand and interpret time seems to be different. Maybe this is because some of us have a videographic memory which makes the passage of time almost nonexistent because all the past seems to be in the now. And if that were the case, everything being in the now, a birthday is a real good way to be kicked out of that mindset.

With every year comes change and some of that change is loss. This, too, is another reason why I am not fond of my birthday because it represents another marker in the fact that life is hard and losses happen. In some things I've written about I've had some power as to the outcome whether it was a tough social situation of trying new foods but with time there is no power. We are helpless to it and try all you want the clock is going to keep on ticking, the Earth is going to keep on spinning, and the days will click off one after another and this fact terrorizes me. And perhaps, in the end, that is what it boils down to; there is no control with time and since time brings about change this means time is bad. So, for those of you that enjoy your birthday I will congratulate you. As for me? I'm going to try and do everything I can to try and forget about this last week I have before 30 changes to 31.

1 comment:

  1. You have explained this very, very well. I will refrain from wishing you happy birthday, Aaron. I do wish you luck in figuring out a way to deal with the day.