Tuesday, October 14, 2014

The October Blues

This post builds on what I wrote on yesterday and maybe yesterday's post is contributing to the way I feel today, but the only word I have to describe how I feel today is miserable.

Is this exhaustion? Maybe. Is it frustration? Maybe. Is it the change in seasons? Perhaps as I look back on previous years and it seems there's always this type of post in the October/November time frame. Whatever it is I hope it passes soon.

The way I am feeling now is making everything seem impossible and when this happens it is easy to forget who I am. If taken literally that would mean I have amnesia, but I mean this in the sense that I don't have the ability to see who I am, what I've done, and the accomplisments I've had. All that is lost in this tempest of negative emotions which leads me to see who I am not, what I haven't done, and what I will never do.

Perhaps everyone feels this from time-to-time and perhaps Asperger's amplifies this. I'm not everyone so I can only describe this feeling from my point of view. From my point of view, though, this is awful. The aspects of life this has an impact on seems to be all. Sleep is difficult to obtain which when I am asleep waking up is hard to do. Daily activities are hard to get motivated to do and there is this dense fog in my thoughts and all the while, in the back of my mind, are these thoughts of not who I am but of who I am not.

I've used many metaphors to explain this such as "The Slow Moving Pendulum" in which I described this feeling as a pendulum that, when it reaches a certain window of its path, I feel like this. Then, when the pendulum swings out of that window all returns to normal. There have been others that I can't recall right now, but I'm always amazed at how severe these feelings are when the pendulum is in that window.

There are times I forget where I was five+ years ago. The way I feel right now, with the tenseness and anxiety, was an everyday event with no respite. Feeling this now is a reminder of those days and is a loud reminder of why I do what I do as a career and calling. Life is hard, yes, but without understanding life is much more difficult and the way I feel today was the way I felt everyday all those years ago because there was no understanding. Now, when I say understanding, this is a multi-tiered thing because it just wasn't society in general I'm talking about but understanding within myself. When I would feel bad I'd feel bad about feeling bad which just through more gasoline on an already intense blaze. I didn't understand that this, for me, is just a natural phase much like a storm passing and I can either try to weather the storm outside resisting all of it's ways or I can accept it and wait for it to pass. Getting upset about feeling down just makes things worse. Also, every bit of my great chapters and concepts have come when feeling this way so actually, in a way, feeling like this has led me to do what I do.

How long will this last? I'm not sure but in the meantime I've got to just stay strong and keep moving forward the best I can. I know presentations don't suffer when I feel like this; actually, I think I present better when feeling like this because it allows me to speak closer to the heart than others. Not to say that I don't speak from the heart when I'm feeling good, but when I reference stories of how I used to feel the emotions are more raw because I'm not talking about how I felt rather I'm speaking about how I feel. That being said I am looking forward to my annual presentation at SSD here in Saint Louis tomorrow night. Until then I'll continue to weather this storm the best I can.

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