Monday, October 13, 2014

The Out of Reach Goal

I have a goal right now that I have little to no control in whether or not it happens and having this looming over me is, well, it isn't doing good things. I'm not sure why I am so dedicated to this, but I am and I have no sway on telling myself it doesn't matter. The fact is it does and the effects it's having on me is not good.

The first is that my issues with sleep are back with a fury. The two seem to go together. Actually, if there is any issue invoking emotions I can almost say for certain that sleep issues will be a part of it.

Secondly is a strong sense of anxiety. How strong? I haven't ridden too many roller coasters but that sensation of coming over a slow crest into a long downhill section that creates a dropping of the stomach sensation is about the best way I can relate to you what it feels like.

Because of these two issues things start to spiral into things that seem bigger than they are. The ability to hyper focus the way I do is an amazing strength, but when there becomes a problem I can't solve my brain does not relinquish the full speed thought on the problem. It's rough, it really is, to have a brain that needs to solve every problem thrown my way and yet, when an unsolvable problem arises, my brain won't slow down when it can't fix the issue.

There are many side effects from this. I mentioned sleep issues which means a sense of tiredness comes with it. Being tired then probably compounds the sense of fearing nothing will change and the problem will remain forever. When I say compound I mean my frustration towards that expands outward to things that have nothing to do with the matter at hand all of a sudden seem more difficult or impossible.

Thinking back to other events in my life these things normally run their course. Perhaps it's because I''m coming off of five weeks straight of being on the go, but whatever it is I hope its course runs quickly because this feeling of anxiety is too strong for my liking.

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