One of the things that filled my mind for many
years, and still does from time to time, is when I see normal. How can one see
normal? First let’s define normal. Think about it right now. What is normal? Is
it you? Myself? A neighbor? A group? Celebrities? (Ha!) The definition of
normal is cloudy, at best, and therein lies the problem.
After my diagnosis I saw normal everywhere. It
was the postman, the person driving by, the couple holding hands in the park,
the clerk at Walgreens, bowlers at the bowling alley. In my eyes everyone was
this seemingly unobtainable state known as normal and normal equaled happiness.
Yes, in my eyes every person whom I came across
had it better than me. When I’d see two strangers meet and talk I’d have an
almost unhealthy level of envy because that was something I’d never be able to do. When I’d see anyone
at a job I’d be hideously envious because a job was something I’d never be able to do. And anytime I saw
anyone in a relationship I’d die a little on the inside because that, above all
else, would be something I’d truly never
be able to do.
From my vantage point everyone was happy in this
state of normal. From my vantage point everyone was living it up in Normalville
having the time of their lives while I was chained to Asperger’s. This view of
normal was about the worst thing for me because I counted myself out of any
situation because of this mindset.
It’s a dangerous thing to perceive normal and
chase it. Again, what is normal? I was blinded by the concept of normal that it
took on a state that isn’t possible. Is everyone happy 100% of the time? No,
but from the point of view I had they were because they were normal and I was
not. This created a wedge that grew and grew week after week and month after
month.
What was lost on me at the time is what I know
now. It took a long time, but now I believe there is no such thing as normal
and everyone, at some point in time, will see someone else and be a bit envious
of who or what that person is. Most people don’t let that define them as I
allowed my views of normal do to me and they will also not forget who they are
when this happens. I would forget who I was as who I was seemed irrelevant to
this fantasy known as normal.
It wasn’t until I realized that the normal I thought
existed was a myth that I began to accept who I was. Everyone has his or her
own challenges and normal is nothing more than the entity my mind created to
show myself everything I’m not. And with that came expectations I could never
live up to which guaranteed failure which, since I knew I would fail, made for
a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That was then and this is now. So
what now is my definition of normal? It’s changed drastically as now I firmly
believe there is no such thing as normal. Normal is simply a boring myth that
no one can live up to. But you know what? If we do find that one normal person
that exists in this world all I can say is, “congratulations, we’ve found the
most boring individual on the face of this great planet.”
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