Like many across America on December 31st I was
watching the coverage from Times Square and the dropping of the ball and as
with each year previous I tried to stave off emotions and as with each year
prior I failed.
I watch
the millions of revelers in the streets on television and I am in an awe of
sorts as there’s so much excitement and passion which I don’t understand. The
last thing I try to do in life is acknowledge time. Time represents change and
change is bad therefore New Year’s Eve is the ultimate day for acknowledging
the passage of time.
For many
2016 was a year to forget but the thing for me is that it will NEVER be 2016
again the same way it will never be 2015, 14, or 1999 again. Things that have a
certain finality make me cringe and each day, each moment is one that will
never happen again and this is hard for me to accept. If things could just stay
the same in this moment I wouldn’t have to process, things wouldn’t change, and
within that comes safety. Of course, what I just said, is outright impossible but
that’s the way my brain wants it.
This
sadness with time is where my associative memory system is based out of. If I
remember certain numbers, words, and if I have the right physical items around
me then, for me, it’s like everything is right now and change never happened.
The
previous paragraph is much deeper than I think you can understand and is deeper
than any words I could write could give justice. This is also why it may
appear, at least in me because (cue the first time in 2017 I say this) if you’ve
met one person with autism you’ve only met one person with autism, I am unemotional
when I should be and overly emotional in times when others wouldn’t think I
should be. I mean, how many people breakdown in tears because of a changing in
the numerical year? I tried to avoid it several nights ago and as the countdown
began at 60 seconds and as the partiers in the streets screamed in anticipation
and as the confetti began ahead of midnight and as the final countdown began
from 10 to 9 to 8 to 7 to 6 to 5 to 4 to 3 to 2 to 1 and to the fireworks I was
streaming the tears out. 2016 was over and as the millions in Times Square
celebrated I sat bewildered wondering how people celebrate the passage of time.
It is something I’ll never understand but as I said in yesterday’s post I am
embracing this year and I am embracing this year and I hope this year is
fantastic, but whatever may come I know come December 31, 2017 I will once
again be staring at a television screen wondering how so many people can be so
excited to celebrate the passage of time and another year.
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