The Conscious Coma Revisited

I wrote a chapter many years ago that's in my book Finding Kansas about a phenomenon that I entitled the "conscious coma." In it, if I remember correctly, I stated that there are times when it feels as if I am on autopilot and the passage of time and other daily activities are sort of lost. Recently, this has been happening a lot.

For the past couple weeks I have been highly anxious. And here's the tricky thing; I don't really know what I'm anxious about but the feeling is unmistakable. It feels as if I'm constantly falling and all in all it is rather tiresome.

I might have written this back when I wrote the original chapter (I don't remember what I write) but I am now certain that there is certainly a connection between the conscious coma and anxiety as the higher the level of anxiety the greater the chances of a conscious coma situation arising. Thinking back to when I was just starting to write I was under more stress than I knew what to do with so that would add to my belief that the two are connected.

So what happens during a conscious coma? I believe my mind goes so deep within itself that the passage of time is lost on me as well as the task of doing small activities becomes automated. Several times the past month I have left my house only to panic an hour later as I could not recall if I had locked the door. Also I have forgotten things at hotels and at home while traveling and I have left my wallet at home a couple times. These are things I typically will never have happen!

In conversations with other people on the spectrum I have heard this type of story so I know I am not alone in my struggles with the conscious coma. If you have a family member that's on the spectrum understanding this abstract concept is an absolute must because, as anxiety rises, things just become more difficult. Yes, I know, that concept applies to everyone but for us on the spectrum it's as if we can only tolerate so much and once the proverbial cup overfills an overload occurs and then routine things can be overlooked despite the fact that the person might have a fine eye for details.

That's where I am at right now. I can't put my finger on what it is that's causing me this tension or anxiety and to be honest I'm not all that mad about; in fact quite the contrary as I thing the past two weeks on my blog have been great and I write my best stuff while in these conscious comas such as being able to write this today. This will pass, but until it does I'm just going to have to put more mental effort in checking everything I do so I don't autopilot my way through the day and then panic on if I locked my front door, or car door, or remembered to eat.

One Last Article

 It was an amazing year of publicity about my story this year with INDYCAR. A story came out yesterday capping off an amazing year of autism understanding https://www.hagerty.com/media/people/indycars-head-flagman-follows-his-dreams-while-raising-autism-awareness/

One last Flagging Video

 

Pictures

The season is over. I write this in an extremely busy Dallas Love Field. It was about a three-hour flight from San Jose this morning and that gave me time to reflect on the year that was.

I take a lot of photos. For some reason I have quite the eye for unique shots, but that's not my motivation to take photos around the track. Instead, it's a way to help my memory of that exact moment in time. You may think it's about the moment in time at the track, but that's not the full story.

Yes, I love life at the track, and yes, my photos tend to be "showing off" as one of my coworkers will say, but as I scrolled through my photos of the year, I was reminded of the people I work with. 

Through photos of my environment, I remember the conversations, the laughter, and yes, the long hours. Because of this, the photos I've taken far exceed the value based on a composition level and they get to the level of unmeasured value.

I can't speak for everyone on the autism spectrum, but for myself, any item that is tied to memories quickly becomes a vital item. This also applies to the bits of data that composes the photos I've taken. 

During the flight, I attempted to delete photos that weren't up to par on quality, and I struggled. I remembered the place, the people, the smells... I don't want to forget all of that, even when the photo may have been on a P that I mistook as an R on a label. 

I wasn't able to properly say goodbye to my coworkers as ends are hard for me. There's no way I can verbalize what they mean to me, but the 2023 season will be here before I know it. We will do everything we did this year once more with new memories, new photos, and in a year, I'll once again be on a flight at the end of the year wondering where the time went, and not being able to delete the photos off my phone once more.

A Season’s End

I don’t want the weekend to end. It’s only just begun, but I’m dreading Sunday night because it’ll mean the end of the NTT INDYCAR Series 2022 season. 

Change is difficult. I’ve grown accustomed to the long hours, living out of a suitcase, and the socializing with coworkers. 

Change is difficult. Next week I won’t have a calendar to go by, I won’t have a minute by minute guide to how the day is going to go, and I won’t be dealing with flight itineraries and airports. 

Change is extremely difficult. The longer something is the more difficult it is to adjust. This season has been a dream. Truly, the autism understanding outreach that has been achieved through my position has been amazing. Come Monday, the 2022 campaign will be concluded. 

There needs to be balance though. The hours have been long, the early mornings are a grind, and even when I’ve had a week off there hasn’t really been rest. I live for this though. 

By no means will my off season be boring. I’ve got a couple trips and several kart races lined up. I’ll be able to recharge my proverbial batteries. It’ll be funny though, because I can see the follow up post to this, “a season’s beginning” and I’ll be discussing that change is difficult. I’ve grown accustomed to no calendar, no schedule, and how difficult it is to go from that back to the whirlwind life that is living life on the road with the NTT INDYCAR Series. 

Introducing Bruno

https://variety.com/2022/tv/news/thomas-and-friends-autistic-character-bruno-1235360952/amp/ 

Programs

 

I write this at 30,000 ft headed to the final INDYCAR race of the year. I’ve been thinking heavily on the divide post from yesterday and I’ve been hung up on what the difference is. I know my Alias concept I put forth in my book Finding Kansas, but what is it and how can I explain it? After much thought, I have my answer.

            Kansas is critical. My book was titled after the concept, and it’s the core of my being. Within the borders, all is known. Okay, but what outside of that becomes difficult? Why is there the divide? Living life on the autism spectrum is a black and white world. It’s all or nothing, which means there’s either extreme proficiency, or there’s none. True, there may be none, but why is the realm outside Kansas so hard to navigate? The answer is within my cement theory.

            Cement Theory is based on the data that the earlier individuals on the autism spectrum get support, the faster the rate of growth is. I use the imagery of a patio poured outside a home. If some teenager comes and scribbles “So and so loves so and so” in the middle of the night pouring, the next morning it may still be wet enough to smooth it over. If you see it a week from Thursday, it’ll take a whole lot more work to get it the way you want it.

            How does two seemingly unrelated concepts coincide with each other? It goes back to the all or nothing system. When I’m within Kansas, things make sense, and the world becomes smaller. When the world is smaller the mathematical possibilities of what could occur decrease greatly. This limits the amount of processing that must occur which then finally allows my brain to learn and grow within the environment and eventually a program is formed.

            Program? Yes, I noticed over the weekend that the things I’m good at and excel at are all based in repetition. Through repetition a program is formed much like a program on a computer that knows exactly what must occur and when. And, because I’m not thinking about the external things that must occur because they are ingrained, my ability to communicate while working at the job increases more than you can imagine and only few have seen.

            My takeaway from this is that the concept of Kansas is even more important than I first thought all those years ago because, when one is within Kansas, the skills outside of the borders of Kansas can grow. This doesn’t mean things are going to be come easy, but growth will happen. There will still be times where The Divide feels impossible, and the chasm between Kansas and not stretches beyond what the eye can see, but the understanding of this could make it to where it doesn’t seem as impossible as before.

            Secondly, all the repetition I’ve done in my life going all the way back to when I was young, was a way I was writing programs in my brain. Yes, there does need to be branching out to create new programs, but without a core program it could be difficult to find that sweet spot of growth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Divide

There I stand, I’m perplexed if I need to respond. I think someone asked me something, but I’m unsure. I don’t know if I should turn my gaze the way I heard because that’ll open up a new conundrum because if they didn’t say something they’ll be confused if I looked, and if they did say something and I look and I don’t have an answer to the question posed, well, they’ll be confused. I can’t win, and I am pining for relief… the relief that comes from being within Kansas.

There I stand. I’m assured in every response I give. The confidence in my voice in unmatched, and my body moves without any thought of my posture. I am free. There are no worries about gazing the wrong way, and if I’m unsure about something, or if a question was posed, I’ll ask for clarification. This is freedom. This is an elation that transcends my ability as a writer to truly relay to you what it’s like, but it is Kansas, and when I’m there I forget what it’s like when I’m not. 

The divide is growing. I’ve always known about the divide and in my presentation I have said, since presentation #1, “if you were paralyzed in every state except Kansas, where would you want to live?” That’s a question to the superlative, but that’s what life on the autism spectrum sometimes brings. For those of us on the spectrum, Kansas is that activity or interest we excel at, we may know everything and more about it, and it’s our supreme motivation.

The dual existence is taxing. The Kansas mentioned above is how I feel when I’m in the flag stand, such as yesterday for the NTT INDYCAR Series race in Portland. The pressure of that job is such that many individuals not on the autism spectrum would run as fast as they could away from it. I embrace it. In the most hectic of environments one could find, I thrive, and yet such an activity can’t be 365 days a year. 

I work with the best people in the world. Their understanding of my strengths and weaknesses brings tears to my eyes. It wasn’t always that way, and for many it still isn’t the reality of now, but for me I feel horrible when I can only withdraw. I over process, I answer questions that weren’t asked, and answer rhetorical questions. It’s much like there’s a dance going on and everyone else knows the rhythm and beats, while I stay out of step regardless the amount of practice I do. 

Why is understanding important? I said I work with the best people in the world, and it’s within the understanding of the duality that has kept me in the game. My seemingly aloof ways at time could be taken 1,000 wrong ways, but it never has. It would be so easy for me to give up and withdraw completely, that’s what my innermost thoughts tell me to do, but Kansas is the supreme motivator. 

It’s hard being out of Kansas when I know how easy speech and movements can be. Heck, look at all the times I’ve shared the buzz created by the simple act of waving a flag. This, coming from a person that had no athletic ability growing up and absolutely no grace in any of my movements. Within Kansas though, well, the impossible may just be possible. 

However, as mentioned, being out of Kansas is difficult. The difference between soaring and being grounded without wings is drastic. Ever with great understanding around me, I will still feel bad. You won’t see this, and most of the time I won’t want you to know. I must seem stoic to not let you see the panic within. Should I answer? Should I make eye contact? Should I assist in whatever it is that’s occurring? Did I do the right thing five minutes ago… the questions will rage on with no answer compounding the confusion. 

It’ll be worth it. Get us in our topic, interest, or activity and we may light up. I always have. It’s been my motivation, and I’m not sure where I’d be if my Kansas had ever been ripped away from me. Time and time again the impossible happened, but time and time again I’ll be in a position out of Kansas, and whether it’s me, or another person you meet on the autism spectrum, be aware of this duality and you may see us be fully confident in every movement we do, and then the next be lost as to what dance is going on. It’s okay though, for me, because I may not know the dance steps but I assure you few know the sensation I have when I soar high above the clouds go Kansas. 

Positional Warfare

 It's been a while since I talked about the "positional warfare" so let me begin my stating what that is. There's a phrase out there that says, "people on the autism spectrum may appear uncomfortable in their own skin." I refer to this as the "positional warfare" and what that means is that, quite simple, I don't know how I should be in the space I'm in. It's like an itch that can't be scratched and no matter how I stand, and no matter how I have my arms and any other part of myself, nothing seems right.

Now looking at my title of this blog how does this positional battle and other people come into play? This happened rather frequently when I was younger and in school, but when I saw other kids move about in the classroom with confidence, or had complete control of their bodies playing soccer or basketball, I always became even more conscious of the fact that I had no idea what I was doing.

No idea, what does that mean? I mean this as literal as possible; there wasn't a second that I wasn't thinking about where I was in the space I am in. To watch others move effortlessly and without thought always made me more aware that I couldn't do that. I always tried to "try harder" when I saw other people move and anytime any person tries to think or try harder nothing good comes from it.

I remember always thinking, "how can they do that?" because every one of my motions is thought of, and analyzed, then debated, then acted upon while others always seemed to move with an air of confidence that couldn't be contained. Perhaps they didn't have confidence at all, but that is irrelevant because I perceived it which always made me feel rather small.

I have talked about others and I don't want you to take this as if this is any sort of complaint about those who moved with confidence. It's not. But my perception of how others moved about is the key thing here. I know, back then, I would have given anything to be able to just move, walk, stand, or sit with that same confidence. It became absolutely tiresome trying to always appear as if I were comfortable when I was not. And at that age I had no way of expressing this at all, and the fact that I wasn't diagnosed yet didn't help either but even still, had I been diagnosed, I don't know if I could have explained this.

This is a topic that, unless you've felt it, I'm not sure you can appreciate just how big of a deal this is. Imagine always have a self-conscious part of you that can't be satisfied because you don't know what is right or wrong in terms of walking, standing, and posture and the harder you try to fit in the more awkward the whole situation becomes. This is the essence of the positional warfare and for myself, when I was around confidence, or rather perceived confidence, it just got worse and I had no idea why and no idea why I was different.