The Large Impact of a Small Pencil

 As I've said many times, I don't remember people in my memories. Because of this I need to remember people through other means and the #1 way I do that is through physical items. In 1993 my family moved from Indianapolis to Saint Louis. A lot of people were lost in my memories, but I had a couple pencils that I remembered them by. The pencils were from the school I went to and had the name on the side of the pencils. Through this item I still felt a connection with where I came from.

On my second day of school in this new place my classmates wanted to "test" me. I had been warned that this group always played some sort of small prank on a new kid, and I thought I was prepared, but nothing could have prepared me for what was to come.

For one reason or another I had to leave the room, and when I came back all my pens and pencils were gone. Normally I could have cared less as the best way to prank a prankster is to not give them the benefit or acknowledgement of the prank ever taking place. However, my pencils from what was still home to me were gone.

At that point in time, I was not diagnosed, and I probably couldn't have explained to anyone what was going on or why, but what everyone saw could only be classified under one word, "meltdown."

I became so frantic and irate that no one wanted to claim responsibility. I tore that classroom apart until I found my pencils which someone had placed under the teacher's podium. They say a person can't make a good second impression as everything is based of the first impression and this was true. From that point one I was a social outcast in my class because no one was able to understand why I reacted the way I did. I mean, what if my classmates had been able to understand that I didn't just "flip out" over an irrelevant pencil, but rather my means of remembering a place I no longer lived at as well as the friends that were there.

See, spectrum or not, we aren't that different. Everyone has those items that remind them of someone, someplace, sometime, but for me it can be a seemingly irrelevant item. Those items, whatever they may be, become highly valued and to simply lose an item, like the day I described in 5th grade, creates a sadness that can only be described by explaining it would be like someone deleting your memories. On that day I felt as if that had happened and that's why I had my seemingly overreaction.

As with most things like this it was a misunderstanding on many levels, and this states my purpose and passion. If there's just a little bit more of understanding in the world perhaps an incident like what I went through can be avoided, or at least better understood. I wasn't given a 2nd chance by my peers, but I'm okay with that now because it motivates me because it doesn't have to be that way. By you writing this today maybe I've come a little closer to creating a better understanding and for that I thank you.

The Words in Solitude

Writing is an odd thing. At times, the words can flow with the simple ease as one can turn a faucet on, and then other times, no matter the effort, there's simply nothing. When wanting to produce words, this can be extremely aggravating.

I recognized that the environment had to be perfect for me to write. Finding Kansas was written primarily between the hours of midnight and 5AM. During those hours I was alone with my thoughts, and it was as if the only two items in the universe were my brain and the computer. 

As the years progressed, and I started to blog, it became odd that my best material was written when I was traveling. I'm trying to deduce as to what causes this. I write better when alone and when on a plane I'm alone in a group, but it still works, and I'm not sure how although I do have my suspicions. 

When I began writing, I absolutely could not have someone read it as I was writing. Well, for that matter I couldn't even see a person because, with the I think therefore you should know concept, if I saw them, they knew what I was writing and all the thoughts that came along with it. So how does traveling with a group of strangers change things? I'd have to think that everyone else is registered as a single entity so there isn't that personable interaction such as exists with seeing a person I know. 

This is such an unfair thing to have; both for me and anyone else that's been around me when trying to write. I can remember the blogs I'd try to write while at USAC races and my hotel roommate would make a noise, or come back from dinner, and the ability to write was strongly hindered.

Maybe this will get better over time, and then again, perhaps, this is the key to writing things that go that extra bit that will make someone want to read and share. I'll be thinking about this over the next few weeks, and I hope to have some more insight on this because it has more to do than just writer's block. 

The Cause of Burnout

A follow up to Monday’s post in which I talked about autism burnout. First, I was exhausted when I wrote that and I don’t think I did all that good of a job explaining that the burnout is from autism which creates the burnout of external things. Secondly, and more importantly for today, one of the things that could’ve caused my mindset of that last week is that I was coming down with Covid. The exhaustion and extreme fatigue I experienced was obviously influenced by the start of that. With that said, I’m trying to take it easy today so I can get back healthy as soon as possible. 

Autism, Burnout, and Exhaustion

Last year, I wrote this post about autism and burnout. This past week, I have a newfound understanding of how pervasive and destructive burnout is, and it happens quicker than you think.

Burnout, when I think about it, is something that takes a long while to achieve. As a child, it was explained as a new hit song; sure, everyone at first loves it, but if gets overplayed and eventually people get tired of it and the next new song takes its place and the cycle repeats. I didn’t fully understand this because, when it comes to things I enjoy, they never do get old and I’ll play the same game or same song on repeat until those around me are on the brink of tears. 

So yes, I may not have understood the direct meaning of the way it was explained, I did learn that there are some things that are manageable at first, but as time goes on my ability to fend off doubt, anxiety, and the sensory bombardment of the world decreases. When I wrote the post from last year I was thinking of a long term event such as a school year (at least I think I was. I don’t read what I write so I may be remembering wrong). From this past week I now know that burnout can happen in an instant and I attributed it directly to exhaustion. 

Why burnout? Why can it come on suddenly? One thing that is difficult for me to grasp in any given moment is that yes, I am on the autism spectrum. Living in a “normal” world doesn’t often give time to stop, breathe, and assess that the reason why a place, activity, or task is difficult is because of the challenges that come with life on the autism spectrum. What this means is that there can be no “self-break” from the onslaught of a typical day.

Everyone, autism spectrum or not, may get snippy when they get tired. This is where understanding could be tricky for those not on the autism spectrum to understand, because they’ll say that it’s, “part of being human.” Yes, I understand this, but I must counter with the fact that those not on the autism spectrum cannot possibly imagine the strength it takes to forge onward each day. It’s impossible for me to describe how much mental strength it takes to fend off doubt, fend off the symphony of dissonance that is the daily barrage of sound, and to not become overwhelmed with every bit of random eye contact. 

The moment burnout creeps in, everything becomes even more difficult than it already was. Then, with each subsequent day that burnout mode is reached, it becomes easier and easier to traverse into that realm of languish and then there’s little respite from the crushing weight of the daunting, seemingly impossible tasks that come along with daily life. 

Looking back on my life, and the more traditional longer term events of life such as school, burnout was the antagonist of my story. My inability to cope through the exhaustion was far worse than any potential snide comment my classmates could ever give me. 

It’s a slippery slope, isn’t it? This burnout can hit in an instant and last much longer than the time that preceded it. Other’s understanding of this is difficult because I don’t believe it’s possible to understand something unless one truly experiences it, and the anxiety, and for myself, the overly sensitive senses, lends itself to something I feel is impossible for others to empathize with. 

I’m going to have to think of this more on how to combat this. As of now, I’ve got nothing, but I just identified this two days ago so the thoughts are new and fresh. In the least, I was able to put thought on screen and could relate to you the challenges of it. Hopefully soon I’ll have something, but for now I hope I got you to maybe be able to understand the challenges some of us may have living life on the autism spectrum. 

The season begins

The INDYCAR season is about to begin! Coverage begins today on Peacock, with the race on Sunday on NBC. I can’t believe I begin my fourth season this weekend. 

The Myth of Everyone Else

I was on a plane landing in New York City yesterday as I looked down all the hustle and bustle of the frantic pace that NYC runs at. I smiled as I thought about the life everyone was living, and how they had it all so perfect. "Perfect?" I questioned my internal talk and wondered why I jumped to that conclusion. It's amazing how a simple question of one's thoughts can lead to a deep, multifaceted understanding.

As the plane softly touched down, I wondered about how I view others and how I always jump to the conclusion that they have it all figured out. In my mind, everyone out there in the world knows exactly who they are, what they want, and never doubt the path they're on. It's one thing to question one's self on their potential lack of normality, but it's a completely different animal on seeing everyone else having it all outside of simply talking about a social aspect such as making friends.

What could lead to such a belief? How could I have this belief and never have realized it? Naturally, if one has this belief, they are always going to feel as if they are playing the game of life on the backfoot. If one is living in a world where everyone else has this magical life GPS that always keeps them on a heading, and a person doesn't have it, they are always going to feel as if they are lost amongst the throngs of those that move in direction with purpose.

As I continued to question my beliefs, I thought back in time to school and that this myth of everyone else knowing the directions on the roadmap of life was intact back then. I could describe it as everyone knowing the steps to a dance, or perhaps everyone was in on the inside joke in a language I could never understand. Would that environment lend itself to this belief? No one told me or described to me that each person is on their own journey. Each person is radically unique to his or herself. Of course, why would someone describe this to a second grader when this knowledge should come naturally to those who qualify for the myth of a diagnosis called normal, but for someone like myself on the autism spectrum, it didn't come naturally. 

In Finding Kansas, I wrote a chapter called "I vs. It" in which I described my perception that everyone else is this one entity. My thoughts yesterday made this clearer, my clarity on understanding this, and how I've always felt as if I'm playing the race of life starting the race two laps down. Even now, writing this and identifying this, I can't simply make individuals of everyone else. My brain defaults to the myth that everyone else has clear directions, knows what they want to be when they grow up, and has nary a problem because they are part of a collective that I am not a part of. 

I'm not sure if this was beat into my brain by making social error after social error, or perhaps this is a learned trait by being a different type of operating system to everyone else if the brain were a computer. Whatever the case may be, the obvious downside to this is a sensation that I'm lost even when I have direction. Those around me, right now as I write, may have direction, or may not. They may be wandering to their next thing, or wandering willfully wherever they may land. I'll forget this in mere minutes, but I understand that no one truly knows who they are and where they are going at all moments of life. I'm not unique in this feeling. We are all trying our best and deciphering the mysteries of our lives, and perhaps we will be trying to figure out why we are really here until our final breath. Yes, this is what being human is, there is no magical GPS, there is no cheat sheet or roadmap, and this myth I've lived with for so long as made me live life on the backfoot, but at least for the next few moments I'll understand that this isn't the way. 

1,000,000 Reasons to Smile

After my post last week, I went full hyper-Kansas on reaching the million-point total of Xbox Gamerscore. It became difficult to focus on anything else but the goal. I can't recall the last time I experienced a hyper-Kansas, but it felt exhilarating!

A state of hyper-Kansas is rare, but when it is experienced it may last for a day, a week, or sometimes a month or longer. During this event, it is almost impossible to achieve anything that doesn't relate directly to the goal at hand. Think of this way; the light at the end of the tunnel is the only thing that matters. Food may be forgotten, daily tasks may be skipped, and sleep schedules will most certainly be disrupted. At the same time this is goal achieving at its finest but also a major block of achieving anything else.

From my discussions with people at my presentations, those not on the spectrum can't fully experience the sheer bliss of this. Yes, obsessions can happen, or an interest that evoke strong emotions for a short time, but the event of something encompassing their entire being and the sensation of bliss that comes with it is something that I haven't heard those not on the spectrum explain like those on the spectrum can.

My fiancé yesterday asked me, "What are you going to do with all your free time now?" which the question isn't that far off as, since about the start of the pandemic, the quest for Gamerscore has been a real thing. There have been so many amazing games released in the past four years that deserve to be played, but I've been playing other titles such as "Horatio Goes Snowboarding" and "Butterfly". So, not only will I have time for the quality titles that aren't shovelware, but I'm also going to be saving tens of dollars by not getting all these $1.99 titles for the sole purpose of Gamerscore.

There is a strong sense of freedom today. My 400+ day streak of getting at least one achievement may or may not get extended, and I'm okay with that. I can start a quality title. I can experience games, once more, of not having to look at what side quests I should or shouldn't do as one may offer an achievement, and the other one may not. My life will no longer be dictated by upping a point total that no one else cares about. The race to a million took since December 2005, but now freedom from the most destructive thing to hinder the way games are played are past me. It's time to be free. It's time to move on, and I can't fully explain how happy I am that the next hyper Kansas won't be related to increasing the Gamerscore total.

The notes of angst

I’m always looking for a new way to attempt to relate to you how the autism spectrum feels. While I doubt there will ever be a clear 100% “this is the way” example, I do hope they get close and today’s example, for me, is extremely close. 

A couple nights ago I heard a song being played. The musician was playing slow and the song was unfamiliar which created this apprehension in my brain. What note was next? What tempo was this? As the mystery of the next note raged, my body had an all too familiar feeling; that of the feeling of being in a difficult social situation. 

This feeling is felt in all the limbs and is akin to falling. It creates a large sense of discomfort and the feeling within the music created the same sensation. Does this mean the feeling is all tied to processing? Frustration? I wish I knew. I’ve looked up some connections between music and anxiety and there are some, but not in the way I’m describing. If you have any info, please share it on my Facebook page. 

The Final Achievement

I'm almost there. It's been a journey since December 2005, but sometime this year the journey will be over. What journey? The long road to one million Gamerscore.

Gamerscore are points awarded for achieving various things within each game that the developer of the game put forth. When Gamerscore began, it was difficult to get a full 1000 points from a game. On Call of Duty 2, this required beating the game on the hardest difficulty and there were so many levels with tanks that seemed to know where you were at all times. 

Gamerscore has evolved though. Some games have gotten tougher and require an almost monk-like dedication to the task. And then, there's the opposite. The opposite is what sucked me in.

I'm a Gamerscore addict. The website, trueachievements.com, tracks a gamer's Gamerscore. I know these points mean nothing, and they're more irrelevant than ever with games that you can amass 4 or 5 thousand Gamerscore in this 10 minutes. And some of the games that'll be a quick 1,000? I'm ashamed to have played them because they are so bad. 

I always liked the sound of Microsoft's "beep-boop" of an achievement being unlocked, but since the start of the pandemic I've been dedicated to increasing the point total no matter what. Bad game? Don't care. New game that's got a complex story and everyone is talking? Nope, don't care. Give me the achievos. This became too much so I'm changing this.

1,000,000 is a big number and I still want it. After I get there, though, I'm retiring from anything related to Gamerscore. Completions, ratios, achievement percentages... I won't care. There are so many worlds that developers have made that deserve to be explored, and so many bad games that don't deserve to be seen by anyone. At the rate of devolving, and Gamerscore inflation, I'm awaiting a game that simply awards a 1,000 point, full completion, for simply pressing start. 

The past week I've been on a marathon of clearing out the easy achievements in my gaming library and also searching out quick completions. I may have complained about it, but this is something that must happen to get to a million. It's been working, I've gained almost 60,000 points which, I looked it up, it took me five years to get that from when Microsoft made Gamerscore. It's a sprint now, there's still about 75,000 to go, but I'm driving of the moment, that the game makes the achievement unlocked noise, and I'm free of this irrelevant system and I can move on.