Finding Kansas Revisited: The End

There I was, in Kisumu, Kenya, room 312 of the Imperial Hotel, and I was at a life milestone. It was October 2006, and I knew a journey I never intended to set out on was coming to an end. Just 19 months prior, I almost died in this town due to the being held captive by the mob, and after surviving that ordeal I wondered why I was spared, and I realized that my writing's might be worth something besides just trying to explain my existence through written words.

As I opened up the laptop, my hands were shaking. While I never thought of my words as being a book, I did keep everything in a running Word document, and it was time to conclude the journey. 

To do so I had to summarize my chapters up to that point. What had I learned? I looked out the window to the West, towards Lake Victoria, questioning who I was. Emily's words kept haunting me, "You have Asperger's, you can't love others." To have something concretely stated like this put me in a box, and I believed it. And, when you believe something, it often comes true. This was the first moment I realized I was more than my diagnosis, and that I had unlimited potential. 

If you read the book, you can instantly pick up on the change in tone. No more was I writing out of a corner of self-loathing, but instead I announced to the world that, yes, I'm not normal, but I'm more than any label. 

When I got to the final words, I looked out of the window a long time and I can assure you that I never could've imagined the heights I'd reach. You've been on the journey with me if you've read my book, been to any of my presentations, or have followed my blog for any short while. The heights though... wow! I've given 1,046 presentations to 95,985 people. I've presented to the top levels of the FBI in Washington D.C., and I fulfilled the impossible dream of becoming the starter for the NTT INDYCAR Series including the largest race in the world, the Indianapolis 500. 

Realizing that this wasn't truly the end, I wrote that I knew I could have a "prosperous life" as I reflected back that, as I began my writing journey, I didn't want to exist. Life, love, and prosperity were impossibilities, I believed, but even though I had achieved little as I finished the book, I knew I was capable. What did that look like? I had no idea, but I was ready for whatever would come, and I knew something would. 

So, in the end, of this reflection back on who I was, I know most of all that the inability to love was the biggest fallacy I believed because, in just eight days, I'm getting married.

Finding Kansas Revisited: Aliases

 Aliases

            This was a prophetic chapter and I say this in every presentation that I use this concept in. I know I did skip ahead several chapters, but my thoughts on those chapters were just more of the same of material I’ve already covered.

            Anyway, the story I use about not having fuel at the race is something that still holds true at races to this day. Well, not having fuel isn’t an issue as I only flag, but if I asked to go get a certain tool from any given crew I clam up. I can display the flags with vigor and passion, but if you ask me to be put in a position where I need to interact to acquire an item it’s difficult. This is due to “Alias”. I can play a role just fine, but if it’s personal I mat struggle.

            In presentations I state this and say, “If you see me off this stage you may not recognize me.” I don’t know if people believe me when I say this, but for those that have they do believe it. It also had to be confusing to my coworkers when I was worked, or my classmates and teachers when I was in school. 

            When I wrote this I never imagined that I’d have a stage alias but in life sometimes we don’t know what we are capable until after the fact and even then sometimes we may wonder how we do the things we do. Never could I have imagined the heights I’d reach, and the stages I’d speak on.

Finding Kansas Revisited: If I Were Dying of Thirst, Would I Ask For a Glass of Water

 This chapter was inspired by the events of being in Marshalltown, Iowa on the weekend of July 21^st, 2006. One side note about that weekend, I had one of the oddest red flag situations on the practice day as deer overran the back straightaway. Deer aside, the stories from that Sunday are prime examples of, “I think therefore you should know” which I didn’t have that quote then, but this concept of not asking for water if I were dying is due in part to, “since I know I need water than you do to!”

            There’s two other examples of this, one was with Greg, the kart shop owner, at a race in Michigan. We were loading the trailer and I was pulling the karts in and he was pushing. We got to the end and my back was against the shelves but he kept pushing not realizing. This hurt extremely badly as I had 600lbs of equipment being pushed into me but I didn’t speak up. I was stuck in “1,000 Outcomes” in that, if I spoke up, how mad would he be?

            Even after I started presenting, I was working a race in 2010 and it was dry, hot, and windy. A perfect combination for dehydration and in a break someone drove by and asked, “Hey Aaron, you need a break?” to which I thought about it and said, “No.” Why would I say no? I needed that water, and my book title prophecy was very much trying to become true, but I said no because since I knew it he already knew it and he simply didn’t give me the water. Several minutes later I broke the prophecy and I did ask for water, but I use this example in presentations to teachers because if I need help then you already need it. As with other chapters this may seem like a simple chapter, but read it again to get under the surface and understand the elements in play.

Getting Recognition

When I present to employers or individuals on the spectrum, I often will stress that, “it’s important to get a job in the field you love. Our passion often shines through and I firmly believe passion is something that can’t be faked and potential employers will notice it.”

This past weekend, the NTT INDYCAR Series visited Saint Louis. I did my usual job in the flag stand but NBC’s INDYCAR X page took notice and shared https://x.com/indycaronnbc/status/1696915770348044375?s=46&t=7ieB_g73Ex723HnKJrVEww

It’s an odd sensation to get a shoutout like this. I love my job. I worked to get this position my entire life, and yet when I receive an accolade like this, I’m unsure how to react. I am proud of my work, but my joy comes in the work itself. The pressure of the job, the adrenaline, and the sensation of ice flowing through my veins one minute before the race is a sensation I only get at this job. For myself, that’s the joy and when I get a shoutout, I’m unsure how to handle it. 

Don’t get me wrong, it is flattering, and a bit cool to have a National outlet recognize me, but I’m doing this job because I love it, and whether I’m working a kart race, or an INDYCAR race in front of a national television audience, I’m going to enjoy it all the same. 

Finding Kansas Revisited: Quest

 Quest

          This chapter came to me in a flash and an interesting sequence of events set my brain to come up with this. It was June 10^th, 2006 and was a Saturday. My dad and I had planned to go across the river to Illinois and watch the midget races at Belle-Claire speedway, but also that night the Indycar series was racing at Texas Motor Speedway and was always one of the better races of the year. We decided to stay at home but before the race started I entered this free poker tourney online. Thousands of people entered, close to 8,000, and the top 18 people won a prize for free. Hours went on and I remained, and when we got down to about 50 people I didn’t have many chips left and I was dealt pocket 10’s. I pushed all-in and I came up against pocket aces. If you don’t know poker this meant I was dominated and I will only win about one in eight times. After the flop, or the first three cards of five that come out in Texas Hold ‘em, I was even in worse shape as an ace was on the board. I now only had a .1% chance of winning the hand and that was if two 10’s were the next two cards and sure enough the impossible happened and I stayed in the tourney.

            Later on there were 19 people left and I was in 10^th and I was dealt two aces so I went all in. This was a bad move because whether you got first, or 18^th, the prize was the same. I should’ve been patient but this guy, and I still remember his username to this name, called with two duds of a card, but he won, I was eliminated, and I sat there in shock. Then, out of nowhere, this chapter popped into my head. It was an impossible sequence of events and if just one thing had been different the ultimate chapter of not just Asperger’s but perhaps what it means to love, wonder about love, and to be human never would have been written. As you can tell from my lead in I remember this chapter extremely well. If anything, as other chapters were building the groundwork for my future, this was the sending off party. 

            In this chapter I don’t shy away from my fears, I don’t make mincemeat of the issue, and I tackle the subject of love head on. A person can change a lot in a decade and in my future books I explain a lot more about love. 

            When I started out on this chapter I was afraid I was going to state, “it is impossible for me to love” but I hit a major point that is my belief today that the emotion is so powerful that I try to deny it. I wish I could skip ahead to my 5^th book and the views I share in that, but without the context it wouldn’t work.

            At the end of my presentations I sort of give a nod to this chapter. I don’t state the word love, but I state that, “anytime a tragic event happens with the autism spectrum there will be misguided experts that get on the news and proclaim that people on the autism spectrum ‘have no emotions and are incapable of caring.’ Never listen to them. We have all the emotions in the world and that part of our brain where we experience to where we express it is like a clogged interstate with more accidents and brick walls than you can imagine, but trust me when I say the emotions are there.”

            Yes, I have grown since I wrote this and this was the dawning of wondering what makes a human a human. What is love? Is it a myth? Is it what the media teaches us? There’s so many confusing messages about it that how can I know that my emotions are normal? And on top of all that, emotions are overwhelming to begin with so how can I be sure I even feel what I feel when I try not to feel? I’m thankful this chapter happened because I don’t know if I’d be where I am without it and not only that, this chapter set off a quest (fitting, considering the title is named the same) that hasn’t ended, but isn’t this what being human is? The pursuit, the chase, the bewilderment? Would this mean that these questions, while stated in a book about Aspergers, is simply normal?

Finding Kansas Revisited: Tomorrow is an eternity away

 

            I mentioned this several chapters back, but it’s rather odd to agree with myself so passionately, but the words within this chapter were true then and they hold true now. I do believe my concept of time is different and this occasionally will come up in the Q&A segment of a presentation. It is a hard thing to explain because what does this mean? Students from 3^rd graders to seniors in high school, to even police officers, take notice at presentations and ask, “Aaron, just how good is your memory?” I can be asked a question I’ve never been asked and give an answer I’ve never been given because I can access the memory and it’s like it happened right now.

            This is a gigantic strength and can be a big weakness as I put forth in this chapter and if you have my book this may be another chapter that, at first glance, may not seem all that relevant but the words within that chapter are highly vital and could be a key as to what’s going on underneath if a person can’t simply “move on.”

Finding Kansas Revisited: Invisible Reminders

 Invisible Reminders

            This chapter was written after having a night of vivid dreams. I do mention in the chapter, and I’m still reminded of this in presentations when people ask me about dreams, in that I remember them in realistic detail. I thought everyone had this. 

            There is an update from when I wrote this. I explained, when I first wrote this, that I felt this to be a curse because there was no running away from a memory. However, I feel this is one of my biggest blessings now because so many of my future chapters in my upcoming books, or some of my greatest blog posts, were born in my dreams in the middle of the night. I guess my brain is always working on ways to better describe the autism spectrum.

            I’ve heard from others that have this and unless you have dreams to this level I doubt you can appreciate the fear that going to sleep can have. When I have repetitive dreams, and it’s been a long time since then, thank goodness, the moments before sleep are terrifying as I’m sure I’m about to lose a person again, or relive a scary or socially awful event. Now though, as I mentioned, I wouldn’t give this up as I’m the writer and presenter I am because of this.  

Finding Kansas Revisited: The conscious coma

             This was the chapter that started my dream of being a presenter even before more than a dozen people had read any work of mine. As I wrote this chapter I had dreams of maybe someday being on a stage, perhaps in Germany, and traveling from town to town presenting to anyone and everyone about this concept. Alas, this concept isn’t in my presentation as it’d be too difficult to describe orally, but there’s more to this chapter than that.

            A week prior to writing this Temple Grandin was in Saint Louis and my dad took me to see her presentation. I must admit I protested because I still was proclaiming that there was no hope and blah blah blah. My dad didn’t give me a choice and I went under protest, but we met her before the presentation and then, in seeing how many people attended the presentation, I began to wonder if someday, maybe someday, I too would present to just a least a crowd 1/20^th of that size. 

            That night was monumental because that was the first time I got any outside information about the autism spectrum, first time I heard a speaker, and first time I saw how many others were interested or affiliated with the autism spectrum. A few nights later I wrote this chapter.

            The Conscious Coma is abstract and I have no way to quantify its existence other than to say I experience. The night I wrote this I put the song “Zero” from the video game “Ace Combat Zero” on repeat and I wrote the most difficult chapter to this point. I’d written things that were more personal, yes, but I felt as if for the first time I was getting to not just the “what is” but the “why it is” in terms of my ways of being on the autism spectrum. This scared me in a way as I was diving into a world that was new and foreign to me.

            It’s fitting that I mention that I dreamed of giving a presentation in Germany because on this day that this post is up I’ll be passing through Germany (pure coincidence, I swear!) but this chapter allowed me to dream. It wasn’t just a dream, though, it was a dream that could be realized. From recently seeing Temple Grandin present I knew that there was a chance that could be me someday. Was it a large chance? No! I was shy, quiet, and had the public speaking skills of, well, I don’t know how to end that comparison but standing in front of a group terrified me, and yet, just four years after writing this chapter, I would be in front of groups and not only that I would be on a panel with Temple herself!

            I can’t add anything to this chapter than this back story. I still feel this concept is not only valid but is something I struggle with and can be a cause as to why I may be apathetic to a change one minute, day, or month, and then at one moment down the road care with all my heart.

Finding Kansas Revisited: 1000 Outcomes

 One Thousand Outcomes

            Perfection. That’s what came to mind reading this chapter and much like digging a time capsule out of the ground I have been reminded of examples I used to know. This is a major chapter, for me, because it was my declaration that, “I’m not slow or dumb.” I struggled with those thoughts before writing this and I wanted a way to explain why I was different in certain social situations.  

            I went about it in a most complicated, and mathematical way, but I explain that it isn’t that I’m slow, but I’m too fast in social situations. The thing to understand is being too fast creates a slower response as I process all the potential outcomes and as I’ve made more and more social mistakes I take my time even more truly analyzing the potential outcomes.

            Other than that I can’t add more. If you have my book I would suggest you to read this chapter once more as the daily grind can’t be explained any better.