Monday, May 16, 2022

The Attempt to Be Alone

I had an off day today and am trying to find a balance between work and self. I've been awful at this as of late, and I think it's a bit due to languish, but I fought off the feeling that leaving the hotel was an impossible feat and off to a golf course I went.

The morning was perfect, and I was grateful I made it out for something that wasn't work related. Nearing the course, though, my anxiety started to rise. It's been awful for about the past year, this feeling of anxiety when I want to golf. I enjoy playing, but there is such a fear of any socializing at a course. I've always had this, but it's at a fever pitch now. So many other enjoy playing golf as a socializing game, but when I go, I want to be as alone as possible as if I were on a deserted island.

When I arrived, the course was primarily empty. This was great! I was going to get the isolation I was seeking. However, half the course was closed for some agriculture work, so a full round would consist of the same half the course played twice.

I flew through nine holes, and loved it, but as the halfway point was met and I went to continue, there were now many people awaiting to start. This would potentially put me in a socializing situation. I sat there and stared, then I worried, and then I decided my day was over at the course. Leaving, however, would put me into the social situation I didn't want.

As I parked the golf cart in the return area, a lady in a cart said she could drive me to my car. I declined and said that my car was just seven cars away so I could walk. She, who was an employee of the course, said, "didn't you pay for 18 holes?" She knew I had only done nine, and I replied, "Yeah, but it's too crowded now, it's okay." She then gave a lecture on the rain-check policy which kept going on and on. I was okay with leaving then to avoid a social situation which now I was in the midst of without the ability to escape.

Ability to escape... that's such a dramatic use of words, but that's what it feels like. I was disappointed in myself that people on a golf course is such an intimidating event, but it is, and I had to leave, but I didn't want to explain this in full to the lady trying to be of assistance. Truly, she was trying to be nice, but I saw her as an ongoing source of pain. The same way I have a hard time understanding others so too would another person have no idea how trying to help is creating a burning sense of pain.

It just kept going on and on, as she tried to convince me to go inside to get a rain check. I eventually got to the point of saying, "I'm leaving" and so I did without another word. It was uncomfortable, and the experience did not lead to me having the time of rejuvenation that I desired, but it did give me something to write about. 

I'm hoping I find the ability to go out again when I have the downtime. I need the balance, but how do I get over the fear of the random social encounter? Why is it getting worse? How will I conquer this? I hope to find an answer and when I do I most certainly will let you know. 

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