Recently, I learned of another person's words about working with me. They aren't a coworker of mine, but have worked beside me, and they expressed a great befuddlement as to why, when I'm leading, I'm all work. Also, they wondered why I don't small talk with them. Hearing this was of a great heartache to me because this is who I am. I'm not one to chit-chat. I'm not one to ask how someone's day is going. I can't fake this and maybe, right now in you reading this, you're agreeing with this person I mentioned. If you only looked at the surface, perhaps you could draw this conclusion, however there's so much more to this.
I don't let many people in. I'm extremely guarded and as time has progressed, and I've been hurt by others, I've learned to keep people at a distance. This is the act of self-preservation. There's misinformation out there that states that, "people on the autism spectrum have no emotions" and I get angry every time I hear that. While, if you saw just the moments of myself not engaging with those around me you might think this, but the pain of being hurt socially is so great that it lingers far longer than it should. It becomes almost an obsession focusing on the pain and trying to process it, but it has no outlet. Because of this, my brain has determined it better to try and be invisible to others, which in turn leads to the exact thing I'm trying to avoid which is pain.
In my life I've let very few people in. I remember one person I worked for 13 years ago stated after a couple months, "Do you talk" and then 11 years ago they said, "Do you have the ability to be quiet?" The second question was meant in jest as they were so proud that I had opened up. It's rare, but to those I open up to and share my actual thoughts, ideas. and humor to is a rare thing indeed. Around these people I can't fake a smile because I'm actually smiling. For those that witness this, and then see me retreat back behind the shell that is the wall, well, it must be confusing.
Why do I hide? If opening up to those that I have has gone well, why not be that way all the time? If only it were as easy as writing that sentence. I think back to the time I started with INDYCAR, and I think someone once asked, "do you even talk?" They're now a dear friend, but there is such a mountain to climb for me to feel comfortable as I analyze what people's traits are. There is a door in the wall, but I have to get to a point that I can almost predict how conversations will go to bypass my extended processing time.
Processing takes longer for those on the autism spectrum, so I either have something right away or there's going to be an extended bit of awkward silence as I try to formulate something coherent. This becomes uncomfortable for all, so I try not to converse until I'm comfortable that I can converse at a tempo that everyone else does.
I realize this is unfair for others that see me soar. Of course, remember that if you've met one person with autism you've only met one person with autism, which means that this is the way the wall plays out in my life and that I'm able to converse at a fast tempo when comfortably. Others may have it easier, or harder than what I've described. Anyway, the person that inspired this post has seen me soar, and it hurts greatly that I am unable to be the way I can be for those that I've let in. From their vantage point, this is fully unfair. And this, this right here, is why we need more than just autism awareness. They even said once, "I know about autism, but he needs to talk to me." They were aware, but had no understanding and furthermore, their words play into my exact fears I have with the unknown. If they had understanding, they'd understand that, even if I let people in to know the real me, it still takes every ounce of energy I have to silence the fears I have, and to quash my nerves which are telling me to "RUN" away from every social encounter.
If you've ever wondered why unemployment for those with Asperger's is 75-85%, look no further than this post. The exact system we have built to allow us to function is the exact thing that could bring our downfall. Look at the cycle that forms; socializing is hard, so I hide. I feel comfortable talking to one person though, but then others wonder why I don't talk to them, discomfort happens, why talk to anyone then?
It's a cycle that seems unwinnable. Why partake in a game that seems to have a predetermined outcome? For myself, I love my work too much to give in to the part of myself that says, "give up". I'll forge onward, and hope to use this as an example of why we MUST work on autism understanding. Understanding is the foundation for hope and through understanding I hope others can have empathy towards what is going on within me. It isn't that I dislike others, or are fully disinterested, but rather it is simply that my being, at that moment, is simply unable to converse. I may seem aloof, uncaring, or maybe even snobbish, but if I don't know a person, they are an unknown variable that I can't make sense of. Yes, if they had understanding of Asperger's, and this wall, this could've been avoided. Perhaps they'd have realized at how much damage was caused by their words. I try and be the best chameleon I can, but when it's pointed out how "different" I am there is pain. Great pain, but it isn't going to deter me. I'm going to keep going, I'm not going to push those I have let in away, which I wish the world could understand one thing; while others look at this as a weakness, most of the world is clueless to how much strength it takes to forge onward living life on the autism spectrum.
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