Monday, April 17, 2023

Understanding What Others Mean to Me

Despite what is seen on the outside, those around me have a deep meaning. It often seems opposite of this. If you were to just see what was on the outside and not understand what is going on in my soul, you'd probably draw the conclusion that I'm uncaring, aloof, or simply just rude. It's not that way though, and because of this I often wish I could apologize to the world.

It's heartbreaking for me to see others socialize with an ease I don't understand. Truly, how do you do it? How do others greet others they don't know with, what appears to me, as being reckless abandon? I'm fearful of the unknown and others that aren't known are an unknown variable and that scares me. Even to those I know, I'll have reservations with the traditional social niceties. Again, this probably makes me appear almost snobbish in my mannerisms, and I wish I could simply cross the plane of being able to socialize like I see everyone else, but there are invisible chains holding me in place.

From my point of view, it looks oh so easy and yet it isn't. It is such a struggle that others don't understand. I don't try and be business all the time, but it takes a perfect environment for me to open up which is a rarity. 

It gets aggravating, and what gnaws at my core is the fact that mist around me will never know what they mean to me. I'm so chained by what's going on in my brain that it isn't easy, at times, to even acknowledge those in my surroundings. 

This is element of life has so much emotion tied behind it that I've found this post to be difficult to write as I think of all the people that have come and gone in my life. I haven't even been able to describe the types of people, whether I see them monthly, or just once a year, but whomever they are, the impact in my life is the same. 

I can't finish this post. It is of such a deep and painful subject that this is the best I've got. Maybe, in a way, that shows you the impact others have on my life; that I am unable to write about what others mean to me. 

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