Fear

Continuing onward with the Finding Kansas Revisited series of blog posts as I read my book for only the second time. Finding Kansas is available on Amazon and other book retailers.

Wow... just wow. I was 22 when I wrote this chapter and I now understand why Dr. Cameron was enthralled and overwhelmed with what I was writing. Also, to quote a Toby Keith song, "I'm not as good as I once was" as I'm not sure I could write anything to the level of complexity anymore. 

If you want to understand the potential fear a person with Asperger's may have, it's within this chapter. There are so many layers and points in this chapter that just one point is major, but when looked at from all angles and all points, a well-crafted landscape of fear and anxiety can be understood by the reader.

A pain I had and have had many, many times is mentioned in this chapter of "Fear" and that is the struggle of knowing a shortcoming and yet being powerless to quell it. If there was a ceiling fan that was making squeaky noises that was keeping you up, all you'd have to do is hit the light switch to turn it off to end the noise. If only all aspects of life we so black and white like a light switch because I know something as simple as a conversation could alleviate whatever stressor is ongoing, but the inability to speak up often gets in the way and I'm put in a state of stasis being trapped in my own mind knowing the solution is so simple yet the execution of the solution is so impossible.

This is why I started this chapter with FDR's quote of, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Fear and the anxieties of were pounded into my brain time and time again. As I mentioned in the chapter, Emily told me flat out that, "You have Asperger's, no one could ever love you." Perhaps the cruelest thing possible to say to a person, but with that and other bits of evidence, I believed it. What was the motivation to leave the house? If everything attempted equaled heartache, where's the logic in trying? 

Thankfully, I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I kept trying, I kept leaving the house, and my story hasn't ended with the chapter of fear.

The last thing I hope people take away from this chapter is the understanding of how deep the anxieties go. During the era I wrote this book I didn't speak much, if at all, about emotions. My answers were brief and almost spoken in a seemingly uncaring way. You might've come to the conclusion that I didn't care about much, but what this chapter does is lift the door that locked away all the emotions that do exist. We may seem cold and callous at times, but shed light within the shadows I try and cast, and you may see a whole world of thought and emotions you may never have known to exist.