Monday, June 19, 2023


This is a series called "Finding Kansas Revisited" in which I read my book for just the second time and give you a glimpse into why I wrote the chapter and what I think of it now. If you haven't read it yet, Finding Kansas is available on most book sites as a physical book, or a download.  

First, and this is why it's important to read your writing, I am now fully aware that the editor messed up with the name of the sanctioning body in regards to the crash in 1999. One review on Amazon dinged me for the mistake, and I assure you that I know the difference between CART and the IRL.

Now that the unimportant is out of the way, I must say this chapter hurt to read. It didn't hurt to read because of who she was, but to see the issues with living life on the autism spectrum without the diagnosis.

In 1999 I didn't have any social skills, really. I didn't have much practice and kept to myself. To be exposed to the fact that I might, contrary to my belief, be likeable and to, contrary to my belief, enjoy socializing was a stark change to my usual reality. 

The issues that arose from this chapter may have set in motion the Emily chapter. While in the book, the chapter of Emily comes first, while in reality Linda did occur first and I became so afraid of getting a message of, "have a nice life and never try and contact me again." Without my diagnosis and without understanding the dynamics in play, I became afraid to play the social game so I was much like driftwood on the ocean at the mercy of which ways the waves would go. 

My thoughts are the same as the Emily post in that this ordeal was also, simply, being human. Without the pain of this, the eventual growth wouldn't have occurred. If you're wondering if I've ever heard from her, the answer is that I have not. I do wonder what happened with her religion, and as with the Emily chapter in the self0published version, this chapter as well was cut drastically as I probably droned on and on about things that made the story go nowhere.

The Linda chapter was written the night after Emily was. These two events in my life were causing me great strife and as everyone I raced with at night went to sleep, I was left alone, with no distractions, and just my thoughts eating away at me. I didn't realize I was starting my path down a road of self-discovery. I had laid the groundwork for the plot, but why did those two events play out the way they did? It wasn't so much to now write plotline, it was time to write the mechanics at work as I wanted to know, and when I knew I wanted others to know. As I would later write, "if others understand I'll be free, and myabe the world won't hate me as much."

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