Monday, September 19, 2022

The State of Now

I often say, "if there's one thing I could change about being on the autism spectrum..." Well, today is another one of those days.

Last week I talked about the worry about the transition from INDYCAR to the off-season and while I enjoyed the restful week, I often found myself looking at Facebook memories and photos on my phone. Doing this found myself pining for the day of long hours on the road being a presented going here, there, and everywhere.

I've been this way my entire life and it's probably exhausting for those that know me because everything truly is how everything is now; if the state of now is bad, then, with the concept of "past, present, and oblivion" in play, it means that what was is no more and what is will be forever, and what's to come is impossible to fathom. 

I know I'll present again, but because it isn't now it doesn't seem like it's a reality. It's difficult knowing, and not knowing at the same point in time. 

This same duality caused issues for me in school. I knew I was learning, I knew the closing bell on Friday would come, but in the midst of the storm it felt as if that would never come.

There is an exciting thing coming up for me though. Sunday, or perhaps Saturday, I'll be headed west in my car for a writing road trip with a SKUSA PKC race sprinkled in the middle out at Auto Club Speedway. What will make this trip exciting for me is that it'll fall right near the 19 year anniversary of the month I was in Vegas as a race car driving instructor. Do expect some retrospective blog posts from the road and I'm elated for it.

See, my mood is already better. The state of now went from the impossible future to something I know will happen in just a short amount of time. Too bad I don't know how to harness this to utilize it each time I'm stuck in the realm of stasis. 

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