Monday, October 10, 2022

Diagnosis Revisited

This trip is almost coming to an end and I did make tremendous progress on my next book. I’m writing it in Chronological order and it is about my racing career and life story. During the past week I eclipsed a total word count of 50,000 and my most recent chapter was about the events of my diagnosis. 

I’ve told the story well over 1,000 times in presentations. I’ve spoken about the knowledge that something was different and the horrible information I received on the internet due to my doctor giving me no information at all. The emotions writing it was intense. 

For myself, presenting allows for all the pain I went through to be worth it. As I wrote the words about the hopelessness I experienced, it was difficult to maintain mental clarity because the after effects are still there. 

I’m realizing that my life has been in three segments: there was before diagnosis, after diagnosis, and accepting of diagnosis. The accepting aspect isn’t in regard to acknowledging it, but accepting it’s a part of me but it doesn’t have to define me. 

Stages two and three are not linear. There are times I will recede back into being in the simple “after diagnosis” stage and this is when I play the “what if” game and “only if I weren’t on the spectrum…”

I don’t know how others who are diagnosed later in life handle this. I also hope others don’t experience the level of trauma I experienced, but I know it’s okay to feel bad at times. Writing the chapter of the diagnosis made me realize this. 

Trauma stays with a person and when in the darkest of depths, those moments will stay with me. I cannot help this, but as I figured out that there have been three stages in my life I know that I’ll make it through back to acceptance.

I can’t wait for you to read this book. It’s still a bit of a ways away, but from the darkest of depths to the highest of highs, perseverance is a trait I never thought I’d use to describe myself, but I am here. The road wasn’t easy, but it most certainly was worth it. 

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